Husband & In-laws

My husband and I, who are not well-off, live with his parents. He is the youngest of five siblings. His three older brothers each have their own homes. His eldest brother and his wife, as well as his second brother and his wife, live 30-40 km away from my in-laws’ home, while his third brother lives just 500 meters away. The eldest brother has one child, the second brother has two children, and the third brother has two children.

During every traditional festival or memorial day, as my husband’s family gathers at my parents-in-law’s place, I have to wake up at 5:30 a.m. to go to the market, while my husband also wakes up early to slaughter chickens for the feast. The third brother and his wife, although asked by the parents to help, usually show up only around 9-10 a.m., whereas the eldest and second brothers come just to eat.

We need to slaughter at least five chickens because my mother-in-law also packs chickens for the eldest and second brothers to take home. Occasionally, my in-laws invite extended relatives, which makes the preparation even more hectic. Despite that, during the meal, my mother-in-law always eagerly serves my sisters-in-law while completely ignoring me, which makes me feel neglected.

One time, on my grandfather-in-law’s death anniversary, we arrived home late in the afternoon because we had been at my younger sister’s wedding. Upon our return, we were harshly scolded by my parents-in-law for being late and leaving no one to prepare the meal. Meanwhile, my husband’s siblings, who had returned earlier, were unsure of what to do and did nothing. My parents-in-law did not scold them but directed all their anger at us, which left us feeling very upset.

It’s worth noting that my parents-in-law divided their land equally among their four sons. Since my husband and I have not yet built our own house, we still live with them. Over the past two years, as my parents-in-law have grown older and stopped organizing holiday ceremonies, my husband and his brothers still want to gather for meals. I run my own business, and weekends, which are the busiest times for me, coincide with these gatherings. Although I don’t mind getting together, I don’t find the experience enjoyable.

I shared my concerns with my husband’s sister, who lives in Can Tho in the Mekong Delta and rarely visits. She agreed that while occasional gatherings are fine, having them several times a year is excessive. She suggested proposing that we order food from outside to avoid the need for me to take time off work to shop and cook, which she thought would make everyone happier. However, I hesitated, fearing that my siblings-in-law might perceive me as stingy and it could affect their opinion of me.

Because I was reluctant to bring it up, my husband’s sister spoke on my behalf. However, my husband’s eldest sister-in-law reacted harshly, arguing that she and her husband contribute money to our parents whenever they visit and that her own parents used to cook for relatives without complaint. She insisted that cooking is a simple task and that it is necessary to contribute when living with parents. However, since her marriage, she has not had to cook a single meal, let alone prepare a feast, so she may not fully understand my burden.